I am for 3 weeks with a group of friends in Africa. A group of bright souls that feel like family, soul family. People that I have met all over the world. We play, we meditate and co-create. Being around these people makes my heart open up. I realized that my own little comfortable bubble of freedom, detachment and non commitment isn’t serving me anymore. I want to engage. Engage with people, projects, missions and the greater vision that is inside of me. I can spend the rest of my life playing, traveling, being in nature, working here and there and see what comes up in each and every moment. But I feel more than ever that it is not what I am here for. I want to share what I experience inside of my bubble with the rest of the world. I want everyone to know that this world is a playground, that we are free to choose and I want people to experience and realize their connection with source, with god, with themselves.
I am doing that already, by shining my light wherever I go, but there is still a part of me that is hiding in the dark. A part that is a little scared of something unknown that might happen if it comes out. A part that is doubting the greatness that I feel inside of me. The part that is scared of showing the foolish, the weird, the wise and legendary me, therefor it is easier and safe to stay in my comfortable bubble of freedom and detachment, but it doesn’t serve me any longer and it doesn’t serve my relationships. I am gone with the wind whenever it picks up. One day I say Yes, and another day No, just because I don’t feel like it anymore.
My bubble has become a shield of protection that keeps me from taking projects and relationships to a next level, because I am not fully engaged and addicted to freedom. In fact, a false sense of freedom, by believing that I can’t be free when I am more engaged. And how can that be if I am already free, no matter what I do? The reflection of my beautiful friend Bentinho, helped me realize that what I desire most is what I have been avoiding. Commitment. Engagement. Showing up to this world, with everything I have inside of me to be of service.
My boyfriend decided a couple days ago that he wants to continue as good friends instead of lovers, he can’t be longer in love relationship with someone who isn’t really there. We have been together for a year, but physically maybe 30% of the year, because I am away all the time and that is not even the main reason, it is the non-commitment. The ‘maybe’s’ in our relationship and the ‘let’s see’s’. It can’t agree more with everything he has shared with me the last days. I get it! And I want change.
It is time to commit. I will still play, dance, be silent, travel and spend a lot of time in nature. I will still be as free as a bird AND.. AND.. AND… AND I want to work and create sustainable projects and relationships where I am committing to. Not because I have to, but because I want to. It is time to pup my bubble and to commit to the greater vision that is inside of my heart. It’s time to expose the hidden parts to the light, as scary and vulnerable as it may be. There is nothing to lose, there is only more of myself to expose.
I am grateful for the people around me, they make me aware of my blindspots. They reflect back to me that I’ve more to give than what I’ve been giving and that it is time to play a bigger game. It’s time to go deeper. To risk a little more. To show up fully. I don’t know the details, but I do know where I am committing to, because I know what is inside of me that wants to come out.
Today I’ve got proof of my change already. I dove deeper, literally.
I am doing with my friends a free- diving course (diving deep on one breath) and today I dove for the first time to a dept of 20meter/48 feet! More than double the debt of what I have been able to do in the past week.
I am a blessed soul with all these people around me. I want to thank in particular Bentinho and Mark for the reflections that have changed my life already. I love you both more than I can express in words.