Back in 2008...
I walked into the room for my second therapy session of the week.
A few days before, I had decided to stop taking my medication.
They made me feel like a zombie, unable to think and feel anything, which felt worse than thinking and feeling everything. I'm not sure if it was because I had stopped, but everything felt different that day.
I sat down in the chair in front of my therapist, waiting for him to ask the question he always asked at the beginning of every session:
"So, how are you today?"
Minutes seemed to pass by until I looked up.
I saw his mouth move, but I didn't hear any sounds.
I saw him, but I wasn't really looking at him.
I was there, but somehow, I wasn't.
Time stopped.
I was no longer seeing with my eyes; I saw and perceived the entire room and everything in it all at once. I saw him, myself, the chairs, the plant, and the notebook on the side table.
And I was 'just here,' not as the girl in the chair who had walked in minutes before. I was aware of her as I was aware of everything else.
A split second later, everything collapsed.
And all there was...
was what is.
No story
No meaning
Nothing.
A stillness so deep, with no words to describe.
I was nothing and I was everything.
The next moment, I was back in the chair. It felt as if I was seeing for the very first time. Looking at my therapist was like looking at myself. I saw him, for what he is, for what I am.
I realised, that what I believed about myself and the world was nothing but a story, an illusion. Not real. I remembered my truth.
“How could I forget” were the words that on repeat came out of my mouth. How could I forget what I am.
I stood up and left the room, never to return.
This day marked a before and an after.
The clarity of what I had realized faded, but I had "experienced" the truth, and that had changed everything. My spiritual seeking journey started that day.
It was the first time that I became aware that I was caught up and heavily identified with, what I now call, my personhood.
Defined and troubled by a story of 'me,' formed by thoughts, emotions and (traumatic) experiences.
I realized that to be free is to:
1. Recognize and 'rest' in awareness (what I AM before thoughts)
2. Become aware of identifications with thoughts, emotions, concepts and beliefs.
3. Letting go of identification.
It is an illuminating, healing, liberating, humbling, purifying and slow process.
Peeling away layer upon layer, until there is nothing left but pure awareness. Truth!
This is what the spiritual journey is all about.
A work in progress.
A journey home.
